I was out having dinner with four other women a few evenings ago and the conversation turned, as it usually does, to men. One of us was in a committed relationship, two of us were ‘looking’, and one said she was celibate.
We asked her why she was “now practicing celibacy,” as she put it. The answer was the frequently heard diatribe about men. You know, the negativity that a lot of women spew – men are all ‘this’, men are never ‘that’, they always blah, blah, blah . . . So she feels she will find better quality men by being celibate.
Will celibacy bring her better quality men? Those of us who know law of attraction know the answer is clearly ‘no!’. Self-denial is never an answer. Ratcheting back your natural desires only squeezes down your life force; denying impulses to express love and affection close off your expression of and connection with Source. There is never a good reason to close off our connection with Source.
Now, don’t get me wrong – I’m not advocating promiscuity. I just think things should be done for the right reasons. I’m not addressing celibacy as a religious belief. I’m speaking of celibacy as a subtle and unconscious attempt to manipulate a situation to your liking. My friend is using celibacy to coerce an attitude of being valued from the next man she is with. She is also using it as a sort of punishment for the men in her past – that, need I point out, are not the ones now being affected by her decision. She is withholding herself from a natural, expressive part of herself in an effort to manipulate an outcome that she wants from a man. That never works.
There are three reasons why this will not bring her what she wants. There is a Zen saying, “Wherever you go, there you are.” Abraham puts it, “Your vibe is always where you left it.” She will never find the type of relationship she wants with a man until she takes steps to change her beliefs about men and relationships. As long as her beliefs remain the same, her vibrational frequency is the same and her relationships will feel the same.
She cannot coerce a man into valuing her unless she values herself first. Other people in our lives are always reflecting back to us our feelings about ourselves. They can’t give us anything we don’t have within us already. She has to change her feelings of not being valued in the past in order to be appreciated in the future. Choosing celibacy only postpones having the same feelings show up with the next person she is with.
The third reason is that self denial, the effort to shut down desires and feelings only disconnects us from the flow of Spirit within. Spirit is felt as life force, as desire, as expectation and anticipation. Shutting ourselves down only deadens us and ultimately, it doesn’t change anything.
If she was into law of attraction, and unfortunately she’s not, she would know that the best way to get what she wants is to focus on the type of relationship she wants. Not shut down to prevent any more hurt. One of the main principles of law of attraction is to focus on what you want, not on what you don’t want. The effect of that is to bring your expectation and belief in alignment with your desires. Then it happens – what you want shows up in your life.
She can have a loving, intimate and committed relationship by anticipating one. By imagining, remembering, and talking about good qualities that men have with her girlfriends. She can bring this into her life by knowing her own self worth and value. She can do it by appreciating the good men in her past. There are a lot of techniques we can use to change our thinking to be more positive. I have quite a few processes and exercises I use with my clients to help them shift their attraction point. If you’d like some help in this area so you can have what you want, take a look at my site: http://TheLawofAttractionTeacher.com/Services