I was out having dinner with four other women a few evenings ago and the conversation turned, as it usually does, to men. One of us was in a committed relationship, two of us were ‘looking’, and one said she was celibate.
We asked her why she was “now practicing celibacy,” as she put it. The answer was the frequently heard diatribe about men. You know, the negativity that a lot of women spew – men are all ‘this’, men are never ‘that’, they always blah, blah, blah . . . So she feels she will find better quality men by being celibate.
Will celibacy bring her better quality men? Those of us who know law of attraction know the answer is clearly ‘no!’. Self-denial is never an answer. Ratcheting back your natural desires only squeezes down your life force; denying impulses to express love and affection close off your expression of and connection with Source. There is never a good reason to close off our connection with Source.
Now, don’t get me wrong – I’m not advocating promiscuity. I just think things should be done for the right reasons. I’m not addressing celibacy as a religious belief. I’m speaking of celibacy as a subtle and unconscious attempt to manipulate a situation to your liking. My friend is using celibacy to coerce an attitude of being valued from the next man she is with. She is also using it as a sort of punishment for the men in her past – that, need I point out, are not the ones now being affected by her decision. She is withholding herself from a natural, expressive part of herself in an effort to manipulate an outcome that she wants from a man. That never works.
There are three reasons why this will not bring her what she wants. There is a Zen saying, “Wherever you go, there you are.” Abraham puts it, “Your vibe is always where you left it.” She will never find the type of relationship she wants with a man until she takes steps to change her beliefs about men and relationships. As long as her beliefs remain the same, her vibrational frequency is the same and her relationships will feel the same.
She cannot coerce a man into valuing her unless she values herself first. Other people in our lives are always reflecting back to us our feelings about ourselves. They can’t give us anything we don’t have within us already. She has to change her feelings of not being valued in the past in order to be appreciated in the future. Choosing celibacy only postpones having the same feelings show up with the next person she is with.
The third reason is that self denial, the effort to shut down desires and feelings only disconnects us from the flow of Spirit within. Spirit is felt as life force, as desire, as expectation and anticipation. Shutting ourselves down only deadens us and ultimately, it doesn’t change anything.
If she was into law of attraction, and unfortunately she’s not, she would know that the best way to get what she wants is to focus on the type of relationship she wants. Not shut down to prevent any more hurt. One of the main principles of law of attraction is to focus on what you want, not on what you don’t want. The effect of that is to bring your expectation and belief in alignment with your desires. Then it happens – what you want shows up in your life.
She can have a loving, intimate and committed relationship by anticipating one. By imagining, remembering, and talking about good qualities that men have with her girlfriends. She can bring this into her life by knowing her own self worth and value. She can do it by appreciating the good men in her past. There are a lot of techniques we can use to change our thinking to be more positive. I have quite a few processes and exercises I use with my clients to help them shift their attraction point. If you’d like some help in this area so you can have what you want, take a look at my site: http://TheLawofAttractionTeacher.com/Services
There is nothing wrong with celibacy. Believe it or not, she can still anticipate “a loving, intimate and committed relationship” as you’ve stated, without having sex with people that don’t matter to her. If she wants to hold out until she has DEVELOPED a loving and meaningful relationship with someone, just let her be and don’t judge her. In fact, while sex is a
natural need, it complicates things when ur not fully committed. Good on your friend for valuing herself enough and not sharing herself with random men to fulfill “a need.” Besides, if you’re just having sex as opposed to making love, won’t you just be attracting more sex and not love?
First, there is no judgment here. I only write about what works for law of attraction and what doesn’t. It is not the thing itself that is right or wrong, it is your reason for doing it. Anything done to manipulate or control a situation is pushing againt what you don’t want and is sure to backfire. It would be fine for her to be celibate for the joy of it or because she, personally, values it. The energy of the two motivations are very different. One is alignment with the thing wanted; the other is resistance and focus on avoiding pain. From an energetic standpoint, avoiding pain always brings more pain.
My question that I would have liked to have asked her was: “Is she denying herself and all her natural desires in an effort to control?” I’m pretty sure she was. There is so much wrong with that vibrationally – there are feelings of shame and denial and not good enough and helplessness and not acknowledging her own needs or celebrating her body – just for starters. I advocate that women, too, can have no- strings sex just for fun. If you are honest about your desires and love your body, there is nothing wrong with (safe) casual sex. Don’t lie and say it’s OK with you if it’s not, don’t pretend to not want commitment if you really want marriage, but when both parties are honest and respectful, acting with integrity, it can be fun and freeing, and no one gets their feelings hurt. Women have sexual desires, too, and there is nothing wrong with casual sex if both people understand and agree that that is all it is.
As far as “having sex as opposed to making love,” again, it depends on the reasons why you are doing it and the beliefs you are acting from. But keep in mind, some people just like sex and want more of it. And that’s OK, too. Everything doesn’t have to be deep and profound with lifetime commitment. Some things can just be fun. And when you take the cultural baggage out of it, sex is fun.
The way to be in a commited relationship is to see yourself and feel yourself in a loving relationship. You have to feel worthy and deserving of a relationship and you have to believe that there are ‘good ones’ out there who want you. Using sex to manipulate, like a carrot in front of a donkey, just doesn’t work.
I’ve been thinking more about your comment: Celibacy in this instance says I’m going to adhere to this rigid standard of behavior whether it’s what I’m really feeling or not. It says I’m going to adhere to a rigid standard of behavior no matter what my body is telling me or what my body wants. The way this woman is using celibacy has a lot of underlying connotations that “that’s all men want” and “if I don’t give it to them, I can make them behave,” which is not a good foundation for a strong loving relationship. It is almost like the way we use treats to train a dog. As long as the dog wants the treat and sees the treat in her hand, he’ll sit still. Soon as we give him the treat he’s not motivated to act right anymore. I don’t know about you but that’s not a view of men and relationships I want to have. What if she were to choose being celibate because she’s choosing to focus her energy on herself? Choosing to be more introspective, meditative and contemplative; choosing to grow and nurture herself? How about being Celibate to focus on her spiritual growth, if that’s her desire?